As a preamble to this edition of Dear Decoy, I’d like to say that I know that a few editions ago I said I would be cutting back on the use of “naughty” words. Well, I kinda fell off the wagon this week. I just got to a certain point (you’ll see) when the flood waters broke forth and I couldn’t stop myself. It had to be said and it had to be said in that way. So, I apologize to those with sensitive… eyes.

Deac Dearoy,

What's that crawling on my keyboard?
~ Tan Tan Too Bah

Alright, some of you know that I used to be a “Computer Technician” or “Computer Geek.” In many ways, I still am. However, sizeable portions of my technical wisdom has rusted from lack of use, so for most computer related questions, I am next to useless.

However, this is one computer problem with which I am all too familiar. I’ll never forget that fateful day when I uncovered the dark secret that the Internet harbored. An evil so dark… it’s like… really dark.

And this evil thing has a name. Oh friend, it has a name. I had to search long and hard to find the name of this evil and it led me through paths so perilous that they were nigh unto… I don’t know… there is no word for how perilous and evil and dark this secret was…

So anyway… yeah, the name… It is called: The Porn Demon. It’s creation is the darkest part of the tale. It happened back in Ye Olde BBS days. I won’t go into details, but it has to do with the sperm from the masturbatory ejaculation of a forty-year-old Sysop, a Macintosh Lisa, a Belgian Porn BBS, and a sacrificial satanic ritual to tie it all together.

Anyway, the Porn Demon is like a Succubus or Incubus or something like that. Every time someone “entertains” themselves at their computer, the Porn Demon becomes stronger and spawns another copy. It is most often seen crawling on the keyboards of its most recent… “donor”.

Strangely enough, the Porn Demon is male… so, I don’t really know what it does with the sperm…

So, in conclusion: Stop looking at nudie sites.

Dear Decoy,

I don't find this game to be very entertaining. But I can't refuse my man Ishpeck when he makes such adamant demands. So I will ask you a question.

Here's a good question that one of my students used as an answer in a quiz:
Will you be among the hot sixties-looking girls to wish Strap and Space Captainface a safe voyage? And if not, how come?

Sincerely,

Professor David Karauler PhD

Not… very… entertaining? Hrmph!

What kind of intimate relationship do you and Ishy have that he can demand that you put out and you just oblige? You are a strange man, Prof. A strange man indeed. I mean you just had to point out that you are big Mr. PhD! (Sorry, but you were asking for my ire with the "Not very entertaining" comment) And what is up with "my man Ishpeck"? Nevermind. We are going to just slide right on past the part where you explain what that means...

But, I must seriously ask… WHAT THE FREAK DO YOU TEACH AT THAT SCHOOL!?!?!?!?!? I mean, one minute you have a student citing Ishy for programming stuff and the next you are entertaining bizarre propositions from 60’s obsessed college kids? What the hell could the question POSSIBLY be that the correct answer be: “Will you be among the hot sixties-looking girls to wish Strap and Space Captainface a safe voyage? And if not, how come?”(maybe it wasn't a correct answer, but at least the student thought it was a feasible answer)

You must teach these kids to be advertising execs… for Mentos… or Apple. Seriously, does anyone know what the hell Mentos commercials are supposed to convey?

Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked…

The follow-up question seems to presume that the answer will be “No.” So, I’ll play along and say, “No, I will not be among the hot sixties-looking girls to wish Strap and Space Captainface a safe voyage.” (You like that? I answered in a complete sentence… does that give you some strange satisfaction? Teachers are so weird.) So, “how come” (you obviously don’t teach English and if you do, you are the crappiest English teacher ever)?

The answer is quite simple: I AM A DUDE! I mean, even if I dressed up as a hot sixties-looking girl, I would not BE a hot sixties-looking girl. Also, quite frankly, anyone named Captainface should die, so I would be wishing him a horribly painful and ultimately deadly voyage.

Dear Decoy,

Why does God let bad things happen?

~ Monkeywrench Joe

See, you are going at this all crab. You are assuming from the get go that God can do jack squat about the bad things in this world. NEWS FLASH: God ain’t that powerful. See, I’d rather believe that God is All Good (omni-benevolent), than believe that God is All Powerful (omni-potent). Because you can’t have both. If God is All Good and All Powerful, he would eradicate evil or “bad things”. Because he would be ALL POWERFUL. Of course, you could just say that evil exists in our own minds, but then you run into the problem that if God were All Powerful and All Good he would have been able to eliminate the possibility for our minds to screw with us like that. So either way, you can’t have an All Powerful and All Good God. Pick one.

I don’t know what other religions or even other people in my religion really believe about this aspect of God, but I do know that if I get to pick between a God that “lets bad things happen” and a God that “can’t do anything about the bad stuff, except help me deal with it the best He can”, I choose the latter. In my mind He is more worthy of my worship than some sick sadistic God that just looks the other way when I am in misery. MY God has the guts to watch my suffering (which is inevitable) and the compassion to help me deal with what the Universe has thrown at me. (Read the answer to the following question to understand why the Universe throws crap at you.)

I’d rather believe that the universe is shit and God is just a guy trying to help us get by in this shitty universe. He can’t change the nature of the universe any more than we can. If we all died, the universe couldn’t care less. It is a callous, unfeeling machine. Its job is to sit and spin. The galaxies are enormous inexorable gears that grind all life within them until they can’t take it anymore and commit mass suicide/genocide, horrible atrocities, and Rosie O’Donnell (of course, committing Rosie O’Donnell is one of the most evil things a society can do to itself… even worse that committing infanticide… seriously).

But see, God is omni-benevolent. He does nice things. Like give us some glorious moments of sweet respite from the insanity of the world. He also makes Rosie O’Donnell a lesbian so her genetic malfunction dies with her.

See? Instead of focusing on the negative, focus on the positive. Since no one anywhere, not even God, can change the bad stuff, why worry about it? Just focus on the good stuff…. And encourage stupid people to become lesbian/gay. Trust me. It will make the world a better place to be miserable in.

Dear wooden duck 512,

Why is it that La Grande Oregon is fog free when the rest of the pass is covered in fog?
~ Phlik

Ah, the mysteries of weather. Beautiful thing, the weather. It will be raining buckets over you head, but one block away it is a bright sun shiny day. Some people think this is because the sun heats the air differently because of small variations in air density and in the reflexive qualities of the earth. But how does that explain Texas or Seattle? It doesn’t.

No, weather, along with most other mysterious phenomena is controlled by the Supreme-Hyper-Interspatial-Trans-Harmonic-Amplification-Particulated-Pan-Etheral-Nebular-String, or the Shithappens (pronounced “shith-APP-enz”). Whenever you see something and say to yourself, “How the hell did that shit happen?” it is because of the Shithappens. The Shithappens is a big wavy string of invisible energy that wanders throughout our universe, much like the “Nexus” in the Star Trek: Generations movie. But instead of taking you away to a wonderful place of bliss where you can meet old actors who like to chop wood, ride horses, and buy plane tickets and hotel rooms at ridiculously reduced rates, it effects the human brain into doing stuff that is either a) really stupid or b) really freaking awesome. Take, for instance, the 80s. A decade of really cool music and really sucky fashion. That is a prime example of the Shithappens at work.

But the Shithappens is not confined by space-time. This is why history repeats itself over and over… it is the same strand of the Shithappens that has intersected with certain points in time. But, of course, the Shithappens is a powerful and mysterious force and its power is only exceeded by its mystery. So, the exact same strand of the Shithappens can have wildly different effects. For instance, you are driving along and have some kind of leg spasm that distracts you long enough so you miss your exit and the next place you can turn around is three miles down the road. Shithappens. Well, that exact same strand runs through and makes Uwe Boll decide he wants to fuck-up another movie by putting his filthy hands on it (NOTE: This is not an endorsement of what the movie “could have been”, but rather a derision that anything that Uwe Boll puts his hands on turns to shit… he has got like the Midas-like “Shit” Touch).

So how useful is it to know about the Shithappens if you can’t predict it, can’t prevent it, and can’t impregnate it (I threw that last one in because I realized that the first two things could also be said about women, but at least we can impregnate them). The answer is, we can prepare ourselves to mentally deal with all the consequences of the Shithappens and hopefully avoid the negative repercussions that usually come whenever the Shithappens happens.

Too bad we can't avoid the negative repercussion of women as easily. ::chagrin::

Don Decoy de la Olor

Why do things have to die?
~ Ishpeck

I ran the word “Olor” through Altavista’s Babel Fish Translator in a number of languages and the only one the produced anything is Spanish… and it comes out as “Scent.” I’m not quite sure what that is supposed to suggest, but whatever…

Death is nature’s way of telling you that you are too worthless to have sex with. This may be due to illness, in which case you have allowed your body to be invaded by conditions (cancer, virii, etc…) that make you no more use for having sex with. This proves that nature is interested in the continued progression of mankind. Or you could die due to your own stupidity. For instance, putting the turpentine next to the Sprite in the fridge and getting the two mixed up when you reach in at midnight. Nature is then saying, you are too stupid to allow reproduction. This proves that nature is wise. Or you could die due to old age. Nature, I think, is just plain grossed out by the really old and decrepit having sex. Which proves that nature is a man, because who else would even try to imagine what geriatric sex would look like?

Or you could die at the hands of some madman or despotic “president”. This is a little more complex, but it still points to you being too worthless to have sex. Basically, it goes like this: Despotic leaders and madmen suck, so anywhere that they exist and can wander around freely sucks too. If you live in such a place or are visiting such a place, you must have either been tainted by the insanity that produced them, or you are too stupid to know when to get the fuck out of Dodge. Either way, you are too worthless to have sex.

The same principle applies to animals. Except the fucking Panda. I hate fucking Pandas. They suck ass and I have no fucking idea how the fuck they have escaped extinction. Maybe because fucking China has a fucking obsession with them and they artificially support their fucking stupidity. Oh, didn’t I mention? Pandas are fucking stupid. And since mankind is responsible for artificially sustaining their sorry asses, nature has been taking it out on us. We get all sorts of idiotic fucked up weirdos all because we can’t bare to see the stupid fucking Panda die out. Well, I say fuck them. They are too fucking stupid to live. Their digestive tracts are DESIGNED to eat meat and bamboo is harsh to their system. But what do they eat? Meat? Like a normal fucking bear? NO! They eat fucking bamboo. They have a whole litany of medical problems that all stem from the fact they eat bamboo and not mear. YOU ARE A FUCKING BEAR! You are supposed to eat fucking meat! Your ancestors ate meat for millions of years and you get on you stupid fucking liberal shit soap box and say, “I think eating meat is barbaric and stupid. Let’s be the kind, gentle, nice bear and just eat bamboo instead!” And then you go off and eat bamboo and screw up your whole physiology and then you almost die out, but then fucking China comes to save you.

And then the stupid fucking Panda males can’t get their wing-wangs up and when a fucking Panda equivalent of Brittany Spears is shoved right into their fucking laps, they walk away not realizing that they have a fucking Brittany Panda Spears in their laps. It’s all that fucking bamboo they eat. It fucks with their brains. Oh, and they are too fucking stupid to have sex in the wild, so we bring them to zoos, so we can mate them to preserve the fucking species and we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to support their lazy bamboo eating asses and then we put them IN A FUCKING CAGE with the Brittany Panda Spears and spread all of her womanly juices everywhere so they can get horny and do the dirty deed. AND WHAT DO THEY DO?!?!?!? They fucking walk away and eat fucking bamboo! WHY THE FUCK DO WE CARE ABOUT FUCKING PANDAS!?!?

I’ll tell you why. It’s because the Chinese has two things they can be proud: 1) The fact that Jackie Chan is funny and successful and 2) they have the fucking Panda. Jackie Chan will die one day and then they will be left with only the Panda. So they put all of their energy into a piece of shit creature that doesn’t care if it dies out.

In the words of James Tiberius Kirk, “Let them die.”

Dear Decoy,

Why is it that the moral turpitude of our nation seems to have been born a the same time as the American Communist Liberals Union? And why do the two seem to flourish upon the growth and expansion of the other?

Fyout

For those of you that don’t use words like “turpitude” in your every day speech, it means “depravity” or “baseness”.

Okay, so we are all now familiar with how fucked up the Panda is. So, to draw the analogy: Moral Turpitude is the Panda and the ACLU is China. And just like China and the Panda, the ACLU would cease to exist without Moral Turpitude. Moral Turpitude is fucked up just like the Panda. If people were interested in the progression and continued existence of the human race, they would follow social guidelines that promoted much needed traits, such as “a sense of responsibility” and “self control” and “a realization that the only thing that separates us from the animals is the fact that we don’t act…. LIKE ANIMALS”!!!

Moral Turpitude comes about when we forget that we don’t need to go fuck everything with a hole just because we may want to. It comes about when we excuse random hole-fucking by saying that “it’s only natural” and “they’re only following their own compass and being true to themselves”. That is bullshit. The reason that generations of mankind lived by strict moral laws and a code of behavior is NOT because they feared some All Powerful God (they knew better then that fiction). No. They followed these laws and codes because they knew that in order for society to function and in order for the human race to be able survive, they needed to “bridle” their passions and ACT like they are better than animals or else society would turn into a bunch a sex crazed animals (I think there was some prophecy about the sperm from the masturbatory ejaculation of a forty-year-old Sysop, a Macintosh Lisa, a Belgian Porn BBS, and a sacrificial satanic ritual and they were afraid of unleashing some great demon upon the world). In the immortal words of Kurt Vonnegut, “We are who we pretend to be. So pretend carefully.” If we pretend to be higher than animals, then we are. If not, then… not.

The ACLU takes the standard upon which America is built, namely “Freedom” (AKA “Liberty”) and twists it to mean freedom from anything that might tell us to do anything responsible. WRONG! Freedom means freedom from tyranny, not freedom from all social confines. So, the ACLU promotes “freedom” (AKA “Do whatever the fuck you want”) and that encourages Moral Turpitude. Moral Turpitude, in turn likes to be told that it is a good thing and since the ACLU is its biggest advocate, the ACLU gets supported by all forms of Moral Turpitude.

Oh, and it could also be that the Porn Demon is Chairman or CEO or Head Communist of the ACLU… and we know what he is all about. All I’m saying is that you really need to keep better track of your sperm emissions. I mean really.